Stuck

I’m stuck.

I’m living in the past.

Every morning I wake up with a homesick longing to roll back the months and stroll into the comfort of a familiar past. The longing is deep and painful. I tiptoe around the rim of a precipice. Fear warns me that gazing too deeply will suck me into the abyss . . . an abyss of living in the past where there’s no hope of a future.

I miss my old life. I miss my son, my house, my backyard, my friends, my church, my ministry, my coworkers. I miss the familiar. I miss what I once knew as normal.

I also don’t recognize this woman I have become. Except for the prominent lines and wrinkles, her face is vaguely familiar, but her aura has changed. There’s a spirit of discontent, of restlessness, of lost-ness. The passion that once burned from purpose has faded. There has been a wounding over the past year. A wounding that slowly drained joy and peace from her soul.

Yes, I acknowledge that I am struggling with depression. Depression has been a thorn in my flesh since I was a child. However, this time there’s something sinister lurking beneath.

As a Christian I should be living each day with the joy and peace of resting in God’s abundant love and grace. That is the tagline I have used when signing my book. “May each day be filled with the joy and peace of resting in God’s boundless love and grace.” Ironic isn’t it?

I don’t believe it is overly dramatic to state that this past year has been a roller coaster for most of the world. Some have suffered worse than others. Many have lost loved ones. Others have lost their homes, their health, and their livelihood. While I have had to make adjustments because of COVID, I have a good job, a beautiful home, and relatively good health. I live near one of my daughters and two of my grandchildren. I have no logical reason to be depressed.

So, what happened?

First Peter 5:8 states that Satan roams around like a roaring lion seeking whom he may devour. While we know this to be true, he can also purr like a kitten and lull us into a cocoon of complacency. For me, complacency is fertile ground for seeds of discontent.

My life has gone through several changes in the past eighteen months. Many of you know that I came out to Texas in the spring of 2019 to help support my daughter and her family while they were going through a crisis with one of my grandsons.

At that time, the Lord caused my employer to be very gracious and allow me the time off. I had friends and family that were praying and supporting me every step of the way. I knew my purpose - offer love and support however I could. As the weeks went by, I began to feel the tug of making a permanent move. As doors began to open, I made plans to leave Alabama and move to Texas.

I officially moved to Texas in July 2019. I continued living with my daughter as my husband stayed behind and prepared the house for sale. We closed on our Alabama house in December 2019. A couple of months later, we purchased a townhouse in McKinney and officially moved in mid-February 2020. We were adjusting to our new environment when COVID hit.

I won’t go over how life changed, because many of you can share your own stories of working at home, not seeing loved ones, losing much needed income. For me, not being able to gather with other believers at church was extremely disconcerting. Watching church online while curled up with a cup of coffee wasn’t all bad, but my spirit grieved for the fellowship of corporate worship. I really missed my church and Sunday school class in Alabama.

As the weeks marched by, I was stressed and bone tired most of the time. There were days I felt as if I was just going through the motions of living. I became complacent in my relationship with the Lord. I think this is where the slow rot of discontent started to creep in. While I continued with my daily Bible reading and prayer, my spirit was disconnected and unsettled. Instead of focusing on the Lord and His goodness, I focused on my own discomfort with the “new normal.” The most unsettling discomfort was my loss of purpose.

Today I long for my old life. My old life wasn’t perfect, but I was secure in my purpose. I knew where I fit in. My identity was intact. Now my sense of identity and purpose have vanished. Even my passion for writing has disappeared.

So, what’s next? Will I continue to stay stuck? Will I keep tiptoeing around that ever present precipice or just go ahead and plunge headlong into the abyss of hopelessness?

I was about to read 1 Peter 5 from the Tony Evans’ Study Bible this morning when I came across a statement that jumped off the page, “Satan wants to keep you looking back so that he can keep you from moving forward” (Evans 1485).

Ouch!

Now, deep confession time – as if I haven’t shared enough already – not only have I lost my purpose, I have nothing to offer anyone. I’m all tapped out. And guess what? That’s okay. Empty is exactly where I need to be.

"Humble yourselves, therefore, under the mighty hand of God, so that he may exalt you at the proper time, casting all your cares on him because he cares about you. Be sober-minded, be alert. Your adversary the devil is prowling around like a roaring lion, looking for anyone he can devour. Resist him, firm in the faith, knowing that the same kind of sufferings are being experienced by your fellow believers throughout the world.
The God of all grace, who called you to his eternal glory in Christ, will himself restore, establish, strengthen, and support you after you have suffered for a little while. To him be dominion forever. Amen" (1 Peter 5:6-11).

If you are struggling as I have been, this passage is our roadmap to sanity.

• Humble yourself. I can continue to long for the past and wallow in self-pity. I can be like the Israelites as they whined, complained and begged to go back to Egypt. I can wander in the wilderness for years and allow myself to die there never seeing my future. Of course, the better choice is humbling myself under God’s authority and trusting Him daily. Am I willing to kneel? Are you willing to kneel?
• Throw my cares (anxiety) on the Lord. Before I can cast or throw my worries on the Lord, I must accept that I cannot control life. I cannot worry enough to protect my children or grandchildren from danger. If I’m honest, there’s really not much within my control. Further, a life of worry is not a life of faith. The two cannot coexist. When I worry and fret, I am not pleasing God. “Now without faith it is impossible to please God, since the one who draws near to him must believe that he exists and that he rewards those who seek him (Hebrews 11:6).” A life of worry is self-focused, not God-focused. When tempted to worry or drown in anxiety, I must throw those worries at His feet and walk away. Are you guilty as I have been of placing worries at God’s feet and then turning around and picking them back up? That is not walking by faith.

If the world from you withhold of its silver and its gold,
And you have to get along with meager fare,
Just remember, in His Word, how He feeds the little bird--
Take your burden to the Lord and leave it there
Refrain:
Leave it there, leave it there,
Take your burden to the Lord and leave it there;
If you trust and never doubt, He will surely bring you out--
Take your burden to the Lord and leave it there.
If your body suffers pain and your health you can’t regain,
And your soul is almost sinking in despair,
Jesus knows the pain you feel, He can save and He can heal--
Take your burden to the Lord and leave it there.
When your enemies assail and your heart begins to fail,
Don’t forget that God in Heaven answers prayer;
He will make a way for you and will lead you safely through--
Take your burden to the Lord and leave it there.
When your youthful days are gone and old age is stealing on,
And your body bends beneath the weight of care;
He will never leave you then, He’ll go with you to the end--
Take your burden to the Lord and leave it there.
(Leave it There by Charles A. Tindley).

• Be sober-minded and alert. Remember that cocoon of complacency I mentioned earlier? Being sober-minded and alert averts complacency. Whether Satan comes at us as a roaring lion or a purring kitten, we must always be alert to his schemes. Self-controlled is another word for sober-minded. Self-control is a fruit of the Spirit (Galatians 5:22-23). The only way to develop the fruit of the Spirit is to stay connected to the true vine, Jesus Christ (John 15). Each day I must intentionally make a decision to stay connected and alert.
• Resist Satan,firm in the faith. We cannot resist Satan within our own power. Our faith must be firm and established. We are admonished in Ephesians 6 to put on the whole armor of God. Without it we will fall victim to Satan’s lies. The armor is God’s armor and not our own. Second Peter 1:3 is a powerful passage that gives us insight into the source of our true power, “His divine power has given us everything required for life and godliness through the knowledge of him who called us by his own glory and goodness” (emphasis added). If you are a believer in Jesus Christ, you already possess everything you need to live a victorious life.

Notice that the command to resist Satan also includes the mindset we should carry while resisting . . . “knowing that the same kind of sufferings are being experienced by your fellow believers throughout the world.” We are not fighting this battle alone. As believers, we need to make every effort to pray, encourage and reach out to our fellow brothers and sisters in the faith.

• Allow God to be God. God is a God of all grace. God’s grace bought our salvation. God’s grace fights for us in ways we cannot imagine. According to 1 Peter 5:11, it is God himself who will “restore, establish, strengthen, and support you after you have suffered for a little while.” My restoration to sanity does not depend on my efforts. My job is to humble myself daily under God’s grace and allow him to fight my battles for me.

There’s nothing wrong with looking back on the past. Reviewing our history can act as a reminder of God’s faithfulness through our journey. In my book, Companions on My Journey, I recount the many ways God brought me through difficult times and how He strengthened my faith. Unfortunately, over this past year, I have allowed myself to gaze too long into the past. As Tony Evans stated, “Satan wants to keep you looking back so that he can keep you from moving forward.”

God seems to always teach me lessons through the Israelites. After the Israelites had settled in the Promised Land, Joshua chapter 24 recounts how Joshua brought them together, reviewed their history, and challenged them to worship God and God only. As Joshua reviews their history, he takes them back to the very beginning and reminds them of their ancestral roots. He then recounts the many miracles God had performed on their behalf, the parting of the Red Sea, the destruction of Pharaoh’s army, their time in the wilderness. He even reminds them of a “little” miracle most of us overlook.

"You then crossed the Jordan and came to Jericho. The people of Jericho -- as well as the Amorites, Perizzites, Canaanites, Hittites, Girgashites, Hivites, and Jebusites -- fought against you, but I handed them over to you. I sent the hornet ahead of you, and it drove out the two Amorite kings before you. It was not by your sword or bow. I gave you a land you did not labor for, and cities you did not build, though you live in them; you are eating from vineyards and olive groves you did not plant" Joshua 24:11-13) (emphasis added).

Reviewing our past will remind us of the “little” miracles God performed on our behalf. Careful consideration of God’s grace in the past will encourage us to trust Him for our future.

"Therefore, fear the Lord and worship Him in sincerity and truth. Get rid of the gods your ancestors worshiped beyond the Euphrates River and in Egypt, and worship the Lord. But if it doesn’t please you to worship the Lord, choose for yourselves today the one you will worship: the gods your fathers worshiped beyond the Euphrates River, or the gods of the Amorites in whose land you are living. As for me and my family, we will worship the Lord"(Joshua 24:14-15).

I have a choice to make. I can continue to worship the god of my past. I can even choose to worship the god of my present circumstances.
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Today, I choose to be intentional. I will worship and trust the Lord. I will learn from my past and be thankful for God’s faithfulness. I will trust Him one moment at a time, one step at a time, and one day at a time. God’s grace sustains me and strengthens me. I trust that in His timing, He himself will completely restore, establish, strengthen, and support me . . . after I have suffered for a little while.

WORKS CITED:
Evans, Tony. CSB Tony Evans’ Study Bible. Holman Publishing, Inc. 2019.
Tindley, Charles A. Leave it There. 1916.